Diagnosis + 365 Days

Dear All:

Some of you are new to my newsletter, which I send out whenever am I notstone drunk and lying in my own vomit on the steps of Mt. Auburn hospitalin Cambridge, MA.

Oh, wait, that's not me at all. I'm the other guy, lying in his own vomitINSIDE the hospital and I wasn't DRINKING!

Actually, I finished treatment for HD ('the malignant lymphoma formerly knownas Prince') and now I'm a cancer survivor rather than a cancer patient. Thismeans I can lord it over all you healthy sops and lean back with a smug smileon my face and radiation burns on my neck and shoulders.

POINT: My hair has returned from its extended vacation and both of us aregetting reacquainted. The following is a real conversation that took place:

Me: Well, hair, how's it been?

Hair: Sucked. You ever been down a drain? Washed into the sewer system?Separated, slushed, disinfected, purified, pressed and carted off to a landfill?

Me: Well, I can't say as I have. But you're back now, right?

Hair: Until you poison me again, sure I'm back.

Me: How about a truce?

Hair: How about some hair gel, I'm sticking up all over the place. You looklike Einstein!

Anyway, that's how it has been. It's a process of recovery and reconciliation,a Bretton Woods meeting for my body, if you will.

OK, it's been a year since diagnosis and what has happened?

1. Duke failed to win the NCAA last year but, armed with the chemotherapydrugs I secreted away in an extra pouch near my duodenum during treatment,they will succeed this year to capture the national title by causing theopposing teams to vomit and feel dizzy and constipated.

What else happened this past year?

2. Elvis, his hair disheveled, his beads in disarray, was seen with AmeliaEarhart and OJ Simpson in a London cafe planning to blow up TWA flight 800.But Jonbenet Ramsey, only six and carrying the secret information regardingthe plan to blow up the airliner tattoed on her left foot, was planning togo to the authorities. She went to the FBI which, unfortunately for her,is now controlled by forces bent on turning over the United States to a secretpart of the United Nations called, coincidentally, TWA.

So she had to be eliminated and she was blown up in Oklahoma City and a cloneof her was left in Colorado with a false tattoo on her foot. Then it wasdiscovered that the information which was orginally thought to be plans toblow up the airliner was actually just a bit of tar on her foot and throughbad planning her clone was also marked for death, which didn't solve theproblem because a certain episode of the X-Files broadcast all the plansbackwards in Swahili. All information was then supressed by a massive governmentconspiracy to which everyone but Marcia Clark is privy and it is all headedby someone who's initials are, coincidentally, TWA.

Then Pierre Salinger went insane and is rumored to wrestle with his cat overwho can drink from the toilet.

The UN TWA commander in Zaire, not knowing about the secret plans by Elvis,Amelia and OJ to take over the planet, lost his Barrons's pocket guide titled,"How to effectively run a country." Chaos has ruled since, which has playedinto the hands of the Unabomber, who wasn't actually caught, having set upsome old doofball in Montana, and was living quietly in Louisville, buildingwooden bombs and drinking toilet water with a clone of Pierre Salinger'scat. But the UN TWA, angered that recent episodes of the X-Files, when playedbackwards and translated into Swahili, show naked CIA operatives consortingat their own "Tailhook" conference held at a Motel Six outside Louisville,used weather controlling equipment smuggled from a secret Russian facilityin Siberia to cause massive floods in the Ohio river valley, drowning theUnabomber and his cat.

The President, angered by these events and the fact that people were aboutto find out that several Asian businessmen had paid good money to watch heand Hillary do the nasty in the same White House operations room where OliverNorth negotiated the sale of arms to Iran, grabbed the UN TWA covert WhiteHouse Representative and kneed him in the balls. The UN TWA Covert WhiteHouse Representative, having brass balls, wasn't hurt and the President hadto go to the hospital, where he was cloned by McDonalds to create a futuresupply of customers. McDonald's stock doubled in early trading on the news.

4. I was cured of cancer...or I wasn't. We'll know for sure in about 95 years.

5. Why isn't there a number 3?

I hope you all are well. I have a web site now, which has my past postings.I have slowly gotten the thing to work and you can cruise it if you like.The addresss is below.


"Thomas Hodgkins Died of Natural Causes"